Ten Percent

When you have OCD, like me, you can become consumed by the thought of doing things wrong. Anything wrong. One specific hang up I struggled with in high school was with lying. Any white lie or even misspoken word felt like it could mean my eternal damnation. It went as deep as me feeling bad if someone asked me how I was doing and I responded, “good” when I felt like crap. So, I started to use unique language. When people would ask me how I was I’d reply, “adequate” or “content” to avoid any dishonest language. This is where “10%” was born as a way to make sure that nothing I said was untrue. It became a built in margin of error.

Let me explain, whenever anyone says I don’t care, I realized that is rarely true. For example, when I walk into a room and see some litter on the floor. It is easy to say “I don’t care” and walk out, but of course I care, just not enough to do anything. When A friend hurts my feelings and I am mostly over it, I cannot say I don’t care, I do maybe just not as much as I used to. Every time I would say the words “I don’t care” my obsessive brain worried that I was not telling the truth. So, instead I began quantifying how much I cared. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, but rather that I “cared 10%.” Pretty minimal, but it acknowledged I did care. To this day, 10% is a standard in my language. “I understand 10%.” “I am 10% confused.” “I 10% want to do that.” It is quite ridiculous I know. But I think it is important to realize this is the impact that OCD can have on someone’s habits years after the main “attack” occurs.

Our patterning is made up of every experience, thought, worry… and when you are OCD, your thoughts can be running a mile a minute. So that is a lot of thoughts, experiences, and worries that build that patterning. Some of the things you do do not make sense. Even though I am out of that OCD obsession, I still have the lasting effects and they follow me around everyday. My patterning is set. Though I can now say that saying “10%” won’t be the thing that saves me from eternal damnation, I still catch myself saying it… constantly. And if I try to stop myself from doing it, there is still a hesitation in my heart. Knowing that that sentence gave me comfort then… it terrifies me to not have it now.

The good thing is I am more than 10% confident that I am loved, worthy, and blessed. And yes there is some hesitation in me saying those things. But I am 100% certain that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.