5 Years Ago Today...

5 years ago today, I was sitting in a hospital room. I was frustrated, scared, lonely. I had spent 5 hours that day working out for physical therapy. Another hour using painful desensitization techniques for occupational therapy and another couple in art or psychological therapies to try to deal with it all. The days were long and I was exhausted. I hadn’t been sleeping well for days. I remember having vivid nightmares. Part of my physical therapy was having to do animal walks a certain distance. I had to get a faster time each day. I would do them until I did. It was the same for step ups, arm ups, and more. As I would try to fall asleep images and feelings of these exercises and of pain would penetrate my mind. If I could get to sleep they would also haunt my dreams. They nurses generally didn’t have to do much for me while I was in the hospital. I didn’t have consistent medication needs and was very independent. But overtime I developed some insomnia and they began to bring me sleeping drugs. The only other times I would see the nurses were when they had to check my vitals daily and when I requested sprite and Goldfish.

Why was in this situation? Months earlier I was laying on my face, with my hands out to my sides, while my family said a prayer (I was a very reverent child). My brother being even more reverent than I. Decided that in the middle of the prayer was the best time to try and hurdle over me. He landed right on my arm. It was very painful. Once again in my young life, I found myself going from doctor to doctor. No one could understand why I was in such pain and my elbow was swollen. Xrays and MRI’s came back negative for any damage to the tissue. It seemed I was a medical anomaly. We went and visited a doctor almost a month after the original accident. He inspected me and told me he believed I had Reflux NeurovascularDdystrophy. I asked him what it meant. He explained it was a condition where the nerves were misfiring and that there was nothing actually wrong with the arm, but my brain just thought there was. I was very unhappy with this news. I had already spent 3 years of my life, being told that I was making up the pain I was in, that it was all in my head, that I was just being dramatic. Here I was again. The doctor sensed me getting cold and suggested I get physical therapist and find another physician who would better suit my needs.

We continued to do our research and quickly found out that one of the few hospitals in the United States that deals with RND, was in Portland just 30 minutes from my home. There was a waiting list for RND patients. It is one of the most intense types of physical there is. We immediately put our name on the waiting list, knowing it could be weeks or months before I began the treatment. In the meantime, I began to go to physical therapy at our local office. During this time, I learned that because I had been in pain consistently for 3 years basically my nerves were just done with me. The pain was caused by a mix of misfiring nerves and lactic acid build up. The only way to treat it was to retrain your brain to realize your not in pain anymore (by showing yourself how much you can do still), to do desensitization techniques (aka rubbing the painful area), and get the lactic acid moving (through aerobic exercise). It was about a month till I got the call I would be going to the hospital in less than a week. It was mid-September, so I told all my teachers at school I had to go and got as much makeup work as I could. I didn’t know much about the program before I went. Some people go through the program in a couple weeks, some take months. We just had to wait and see. All I knew was that it was basically working out all day every day.

I remember being taken into my hospital room. It was room #816. I always chuckled at that. My lucky number is 817, so I was just one off from "luck". The room was a decent size. I remember it being kind of exciting unpacking my bags. My parents weren’t allowed to stay with me, so it kind of felt like I was moving out.

The hospital had a lot of weird rules. My program was organized to deny me as much sympathy as possible. I was not allowed to have any visitors, except family and only from the hours of 6-8pm. I wasn’t allowed to receive any gifts or cards. I wasn’t allowed to sit on my bed during the day. I wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital. I was trapped.

5 years ago today, I was sitting in a hospital room. I was isolated, in pain, and apathetic. Though it was less than hour away, I felt further than I ever had from home. I despised the women who sat and watched me run miles, do 30 minute planks, do endless crunches, infinite arm workouts. I was angry at those who watched as I had to brush my arm with sensory brushes, roll on gravel, get massages, and have nerf guns shot at me, all in the name of desensitization. I was bitter at those who abandoned me and friendships that seemed lightyears away.

I was several days into my hospital stay when a sweet girl in a wheelchair invited me to lunch. We were standing in an elevator and she kind of just blurted it out. She explained to me later that she had no idea what came over here because she wasn’t normally that outgoing. So, when my lunch tray came to my hospital suite, I picked it up and walked into her room. We sat and chatted for our half hour therapy break. Her mother was with her and soon she would become my hospital mom as well. Lauren quickly became on of my dearest friends. She also had a nerve disorder, but she was kind of dealing with the opposite of me. She had lost her feeling and proprioception. We were perfect opposites and quickly became well known throughout the rehab floor. We went around in the evenings asking other patients if they would like to hang out with us.

Marta was one of the first people I had met in the hospital and she was very willing to join us on our crusades. She had been in a car accident that left her paralyzed from the waist down. Her light and joyfulness were contagious. We all came together and went on a quest to get Jack to join us. Jack had also been in a car accident that had left him with many severe injuries including a traumatic brain injury. When I first met Jack, he forgot even meeting me within 1o seconds. We were the oddest group I’d ever seen. We went to the activities the hospital put on. We visited each other’s rooms. We were each other’s cheerleaders in the therapy gym. We began to do bible studies together. Our friendship grew deeper as we came together in faith during one of the largest trials, we had all ever experienced.

5 years ago today, I was sitting in a hospital room. I was confused, anxious, and tired. I wasn’t going to school, but I was expected to know all the same information and get all the homework done. I was exhausting my body and felt isolated from my home. Day by day the exercises got more intense and I can remember being put in a room alone because as I did my desensitization techniques I cried too loudly. However, I found hope in my friends, in my connection with the Savior, and even in the small decreases in pain I experienced. I was even permitted to visit my home one day for about 2 hours, it was a mini miracle. There were other miracles too. I remember watching Marta learn to do her own transfers. Jack began to remember us and walk again. Lauren learned how to move and function in her feelingless world and eventually slowly began to get sensation back. It was amazing to see them thrive.

There was a student therapist there who often worked with me. I remember on her last day of the rotation, she came and visited me. I asked her about the process of becoming a physical therapist. She told me that it was a doctorate program, that she had traveled international to do some of her rotations, and that it was an amazing thing to see people heal. I agreed, knowing what I had seen in just a few weeks. It was then that I decided I too wanted to be a physical therapist and work in pediatric care. I was so angry at my physical therapists, and still hold some resentment for specific situations, but their results speak for themselves. I always knew I wanted to be in the medical field, however I also knew I didn’t want to diagnose people or have to save them. But I did want to help them find ways to thrive in whatever situation they were given. I wanted to witness what I had that month every month for the rest of my life.

I remember the day the therapists told me they had a surprise for me. My parents were coming to pick me up that day. It had to be a surprise because I was not allowed to know when I got to go home. I had made a lot of progress and anything more could be done at home now that I was given the tools. I still struggle with the pain in my left arm. Its dull, but it acts up when I am wearing itchy sweaters or get an IV in that arm. When they told me my stay at the hospital was over, I remember being disappointed. I had finally made a home. Jack and Lauren were sent home a few days before and it was just me and Marta left. I had a routine. But it would be good to go back to the home I’d longed to go to for almost a month. I had done something hard. I had thrived in adversity. I had made something terrible into something beautiful, not only for myself, but for my friends.

5 years ago today, I was sitting in a hospital room. I was preparing for my future career, I was making connection that would last a lifetime, and I was finding myself in a way I never could have imagined. Jack is currently working as a CNA, he is considering a couple schooling options, maybe even occupational therapy school. Marta is getting a degree in psychology and art. She wants to be an art therapist. Lauren just started a job as a nurse. Its amazing that those 1 to a couple month shaped each of our lives so greatly and differently. We ended up creating our own little rehab team. Who knows maybe one day we will all end up back on the 8th floor.

We went back to the hospital recently to prematurely celebrate our 5 year anniversary. The therapists, doctors, and nurses still recognize us because we did something most people can’t and turned a hospital stay into chance to find friends, find God, and find our passions.

So, when I am going through things that seem impossible, terrifying, or lonely. I remind myself that 5 years ago today, I was sitting in a hospital room. And because of it I am sure, I am fierce, I am a better me.