Ambivalence, Ambulate, Amen

Relationships, Ramblings, and Reliability

Ambivalence, Ambulate, and Amen… These three words have settled in my mind the last couple weeks. They have not only helped me define my relationships, actions, and self more fully, but given me a basis for the goals and desires I have for the future.

Ambivalence: I am in a human development class right now. The class itself is mostly dry, however, for our midterm we had to write a book report. The book I read is called Originals: How Non-Conformists Move the World by Adam Grant. This book has opened my mind about a few different subjects, but one of the most impactful was its teachings about ambivalence and the damage it can do in relationships.

It was a brisk Saturday afternoon in February, when I found myself walking along the Provo River Parkway trail. That week I had been experiencing intense anxiety. There was no real reason for it. However, it was exasperated by this feeling that I have lost all the friends I had last year. I had tried reaching out to a few of them, but my futile attempts were met with stark silence. I was angry that there were situations where others had hurt me and yet I was the one putting myself out there and allowing my heart to break all over again… I just kept hanging onto the memories of the friends they used to be to me.

I was listening to Grant’s book, half zoning out, when something caught my attention. Grant related a study of employees in different companies. These employees had coworkers and bosses who were either supportive, non-supportive, or both. What the study showed was that those who were surrounded by supportive individuals did pretty well. They were productive and generally happy. Those who had coworkers and leaders who acted negatively toward them, were also pretty productive and had positive experiences. The outliers were those who were surrounded by people who were sometimes supportive and sometimes acted negatively toward these employees. These types of relationships Grant labeled as frienemies or ambivalent relationships. Those who had ambivalent relationships at work, were less productive and reported higher levels of depression and anxiety.

As I pondered how this related to my life, I had clear images of boys, roommates, and friends who treated me in this wishy-washy way. People who I thought were my friends and would be a positive force in my life, but their next breath would be used to undercut or confuse me. As I pondered why these were the relationships I lost and why these relationships inevitably lead to anxiety and a halting of progression, I felt the answer come into my heart. “You can’t trust them.”

Even writing this I feel tears brim my eyes. If those people, the ones who were there for me when I was going through a hysterectomy or while my father was in a hospital couldn’t be trusted… Who am I supposed to trust?

As I ponder the friends I have lost, I took a second and realized that there were many more who are still here. They may not be the loudest, neediest, or most extroverted friends, but they are by my side. I realized that with each of these people their actions of love are constant and unconditional. They are there for me in good and bad times alike. But wait… a lot of the friends I have lost were there when things were really bad too... So, what really did make those still in my life special? In a flash of understanding, I recognize that these people ARE with me in the GOOD TIMES! They want to be a part of ever break down, but also to celebrate with me in every success. They have fun and get silly with me!

My true friends are the ones who will pull me up when I am down and just as importantly come up with me when I am high on life. And they allow me to do the same for and with them.

Empathy… empathy is the answer. What is empathy? It is something I always think of in terms of negative feelings. I feel empathy for others going through a hard trial because I can put myself in their shoes, I can recall times I have been through something similar, and I allow myself to feel it with them. But why do we limit empathy to negative emotions. Why are we programmed to believe that this can’t be done for a whole range of emotions and experiences? The definition of empathy is to understand and share the emotions of another. True friends feel joy and pain with others. Empathy is not comparison, it does not allow for jealousy, it is not conditional. It does not allow for ambivalence.

The ending of this story is my greater acceptance of the necessity to let some relationships go. Now, I realize that for many of these relationships I also contributed to the ambivalence. I am not always perfectly supportive, and I can give mixed signals. I know I am not perfect. So, the second part of how this concept changed my life was a new commitment for myself to not be that kind of friend to another. There are a lot of people who have hurt me. Especially, as I was going through surgeries and dealing with large trials from a young age, I really struggled with the ways some people I called friends treated me. For many years, I have struggled to forgive them and afterward healing damaged relationships. I know I am not faultless in these relationships, and I though some of my ambivalent relationships I must let go of, others I know I must heal. These ones I need to heal are those people who will join me in this process, I cannot change those who would rather be in my negative category. So, in the past couple weeks I have been trying to put this into action. If empathy is the cure to ambivalence, I have tried to be its nurse. According to Grant’s words I have tried to take an inventory of the ambivalent friendships I have and put them in either supportive or non-supportive category. It is hard, but in every case, it has been better for both of us.

Ambulate: Speaking of moving on, a couple weeks ago I called my brother. I had just started working on a gait lab for my orthopedic impairments class and had a question for him. “Enoch, do you know what the word Ambulate means?” I asked. He guessed something do with the medical field specifically do with ambulances. I did not know the answer, so I quickly googled it. It means to walk. Which made a lot of sense considering I’d found this word in a lab about walking. But as I thought about this definition more, I started to think about the gift of walking and what it means to be agents who can act on this earth. We are told to walk with those suffering. We must walk upright in the Lord’s commandments. We are told God walks with us. And we are told if we aren’t walking forward on God’s path then we are moving backwards. Walking seem to be vital for our role here on earth. As such, I think there is tremendous power in what we decide to walk toward. As we walk away from temptations, contention, or even ambivalent relationships, we open our pathway to move closer to our Savior.

The question that brought tears to my eyes came back, “Who can I trust?”. But this time, there is an answer. I can trust my God. He continually ambulates with us. He is never ambivalent toward us. But I can think of times in my life that I have been ambivalent to Him. Times where I have not been 100% supportive toward God. Usually it is other ambivalent relationships I have with food, media, or people that halts me from taking another step toward my Heavenly Father, leading me to sin or distraction. I can imagine those moments are painful for Him. Thankfully, He knows me and my heart and is ever forgiving and empathetic. But I realized that I don’t want to add to any of His pain or struggle. So, to add to my earlier goal, maybe the most important part, is to be less ambivalent in my relationship with God. If empathy is the cure to ambivalence, then I must show empathy to Him. To rejoice in His greatest joys, His creations. And to weep with Him for His greatest sorrow, the wickedness of His children. And then we do the same for those He loves, His sons and daughters on this earth. That includes ourselves, we must show that empathy and support to ourselves by accepting His grace. As we serve others on earth, we serve God and His almighty purposes. I encourage each one of us to recognize how we can get rid of ambivalent relationships with God, with vices, with people, or even with ourselves.

Amen: I know that as we ambulate away from ambivalent relationships and move greater to the loving grasps of the almighty God, we can find security in Him. Our fears and worries will go begin to vanish and our feet will be more sure in their footing. For all of us to have the strength to do this is my prayer; in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.