You Look Like Your Mother

Mom and I outside the Jordon River Temple after the open house

“You look like your mother,” people always say with a smile. It is true, there is a definite resemblance between us. I have her hair, face shape, nose, body type, smile, teeth… it all comes from my mom. To be fair, I look a lot like my father’s side too. I used to tell people this when they would comment on how identical my mother and I were. I think most teenagers don’t want to look like their parents. They are “seeking their independence,” or want to escape the expectations that come from being connected to good parents. As such, I am a little ashamed that I was occasionally ashamed to be told, “you look just like your mother.” I would brush off the comments saying it was the hair and just smile. I didn’t want to look like her. I wanted to look like me (I was always especially concerned with being unique).

This whole situation is ironic because though we don’t always want to look like the parents we do resemble, often we cannot wait to have children that look just like us. From a very young age into my adulthood, I couldn’t wait to cuddle with little blonde, curly haired, blue eyed children. I would envision little babies with tiny features that would grow to resemble mine. It excited me to know that I was to pass those genes on and continue to leave that ultimate legacy.

In my unique situation, however, I have had a lot of time to alter that impression of what my children will look like. Since I am infertile, I have wondered how my children will come to be, what background they will have, and who they will be because none of it, genetically, will come from me. I envision children from all walks of life, they could have different eye shapes, hair color, or be different races. They will most likely not look anything like me, let alone each other. And my heart hurt knowing that no one would ever say to them, “you look like your mother.”

As I pondered on this issue, I realized there was no solution. Unless I could go back in time, or ended up needing to adopt my siblings children (which I pray isn’t necessary), there was no way that my children would physically look like they were mine. But then I started to say the phrase to myself a few times over. “You look like your mother,” “you look like your mother,” “you look like your mother…” and I began to ask myself what it even meant. I began to look at all the mothers and their children I knew and ponder what made them look alike. I saw biological, step, adoptive, foster, grandparents, and more that looked like their children. When I took a step back I realized that there is more than just physical appearance that makes people look similar, even if they looked nothing alike, it seemed they belonged together. Their countenances were connected. It seemed their spirits were identical.

At this point in my life, I see that my mother is beautiful and I am happy to have her face shape, smile, nose, etc. When people compliment my hair I always thank them and tell them my mother gave it to me. It is one of my favorite gifts from her. But I have realized I am more proud that my soul resembles her than any physical attribute. I am honored that people see my mom through my dedication, my intelligence, my defensiveness, my kindness, my strength, my faithfulness, how I serve, how I worry, how I love. I take the good and bad because my mother has one of the most beautiful spirits I know and I want mine to look like hers.

Someday, my children will look like me too. If I do my job right as a parent, they will gain the qualities that are impossible to obtain genetically. They will look like all the good and all the bad things their mother is and everything I taught them or they saw through my example.

In the first chapter of Genesis we learn that men were made in the image and likeness of the Father. Now, this is interpreted that we physically resemble God. He has hands, feet, a brain… anatomically we are similar to our Heavenly Father. However, I think there is more to this. Alma 5: 14 asks the questions, “have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received His image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change of heart?” It would be impossible for each of God’s children to look exactly like Him. He didn’t design us that way. We all have unique characteristics, that are important pieces of our identities. However, if we look closely we can see the spiritual features and gifts that resemble that of God. As we choose to be righteous, to turn our hearts to God, to accept His gospel, we will begin to look like Him. People will see Him when they look on our countenances.

This way of thinking, has made me contemplate how I see not only myself, but others. When I look at people who have hurt me, who bug me, or those I disagree with, what do I look for? Do I try to see the good or am I distracted by the negative? Do I allow God’s view of them determine how I treat them, or is my perception of them blocking the way to kindness? I encourage each of us to challenge ourselves to search for the ways that those around us look like God; to seek their spiritual gifts, their inherited goodness from their Maker, and the light in their countenances. If we don’t see these things, then maybe instead of judging or treating them badly we try to be a spark to their flame. This doesn’t mean we have to allow people to treat us badly or stay in a contentious place that is taking the Spirit away. But that we will strive to “be a vessel unto honour, sanctified, and meet for the Master’s use and prepared unto every good work,” (2 Timothy 2:21). In summary, we will try to be an example, to love openly and freely, and to become as like God as we can, so He can work through us.

Why should we do all these things? Because I can think of no greater compliment than, “Wow Zoralei, you look like your Father!”