"Do the Thing": Action in the Face of Fear
- Zoralei Boysen
- Sep 1, 2019
- 6 min read
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” The first lady lived up to her words. She spoke up for woman’s, Asian, African-American, and refuge rights. She was active in humanitarian work, wrote a newspaper column for 30 years, and continued to stay active in politics long after her husband’s death. When she discovered her husband was having an affair, she gave him the option for a divorce. But he decided he did not want to leave her. During that time, she had the courage to stay with him and find ways to become more independent. Obviously, she faced a lot of fears and always took on the next thing. Now, I could go on about Eleanor, but I would rather talk about how fear can be used in our lives to strengthen us.
On July 31, 2018, I had a hysterectomy. I had combed over the risks and consequences and though this choice would affect me for the rest of my life I knew that it was right. I had been in pain for 7 years and this would be my 6th surgery in that time. My quality of life suffered and every 9 month the pain would resurface to an unbearable level, and cysts or endometriosis would grow back. I knew that the surgery would improve my mental health because each time there was a hormone shift, my OCD would get much much worse. In short, I knew that this would make me a better daughter, student, friend, and even someday mother, because I would be able to function. But, no matter how much I told myself it was right, it didn’t make it less scary.
I knew it was unrealistic, but as I closed my eyes on the 31st, I hoped that when I woke up I would feel better; that when my eyes opened the pain would subside, the depression would improve, and I would recognize exactly why I had gone through all the suffering. This wasn’t the case. I woke up in more pain and the only thing I gained was the understanding that I had made an irrevocable choice that would change the course of my life. I tried to find hope and convinced myself that in just a years’ time, I would know exactly why I made the choice I did.
That year continued to be discouraging. I began to feel better from the surgery, but I didn’t experience the miracle I expected. The one I deserved. In fact, I struggled with the effects of menopause. I started to gain weight uncontrollably, feel exhausted all the time, deal with hot flashes, and other changes. The pain was not as bad, but I continued to have sharp pain moments and other consistent discomfort. My mental health continued to trouble me and I felt spiritually drained. A wise friend of mine explained to me that it takes about 6 months to heal from a surgery and another 6 to start feeling better than you were before the surgery. So, as I came up to my year mark, I started to expect to feel better, but expectations tend to lead to disappointment. As time went on and I still was struggling, I knew something had to change. So, I began taking control of my healing. I began to see a nutritionist, going to pelvic floor physical therapy, and get involved in hobbies that get me more active.
For the first time, I was starting to see improvement. My first physical therapy appointment was on my hysteriversary (hysterectomy anniversary) and I was nervous. I had a lot of fear that it wouldn’t help. I had been through it before when I still had a uterus and it was the most painful and seemingly useless experience of my life. However, when I walked out of the office on July 31st, 2019, I felt amazing! It was not pleasant by any means, but it was bearable. In the month I have been going, I have made more progress than the years I had tried things before my last surgery. It was such a testament that I had made the right choice, even though it had been terrifying at the time. I realized through this experience that the best way to face our fears is to take action.
The night before my hysterectomy I gathered together all my closest friends and threw myself a party. We demolished an ovary pinata, ate a uterus cake, played menstrual scategories, pin the pad in the underwear, and had a tampon fire. It was a night to remember. This year as my hysteriversary came up, I wanted to once again spend it with close friends. So, I spent the evening doing an escape room with some awesome people. And the weekend after, a friend and I left for California where we went skydiving. I decided that every year in honor of my hysteriversary to do something that scares me. To continually remind myself that I can overcome fear.
It was Sunday afternoon when I got into a small airplane. I was last to get in which meant I was right next to the door and would be the first to jump. There was a woman who was straddling me, she was loosely connected to me by harness. The plane took off and we began to climb upwards. After we reached a few hundred feet, the woman behind me opened the plane door. It wasn’t until this moment that I was truly afraid. My knee was protruding out the door and I wrapped my arm around the leg of another instructor to my right who was with another good friend of mine. I apologized but explained that I needed a little support. There were no seatbelts and nothing else to hold onto. The woman behind me told me to hold out my hand. So, I reached out and felt the water vapor we call clouds on my fingertips. It was a beautiful moment, but terrifying as I felt the forceful rush of air on my hand and knew I was only a few inches from plummeting. We continued to climb for about 15 minutes. At some point the woman behind me pulled me onto her lap and tightened the harness so I could feel her chest against my back. It was nice to feel a little more secure. She warned me we were about a minute out. I began to sing “How Great Thou Art,” the hymn started to calm me down and as I looked over the creations God had made, I was in awe. I knew he had organized it all and was aware of each of His creations, even me. So, though I was terrified I took a breath and decided with Him on my side to act. We reached 13,000 feet (about the height of a mountain). I pulled myself around, letting my feet dangle off the side of the plan. When she gave the signal, I tucked my legs under the plane and fell forward and to the side. For 45 seconds, I was free falling, I reached terminal velocity (about 120 mph). The ground was getting closer. It was exhilarating, my lips were dry and it was hard to breathe. She had warned me earlier that if I felt this way I should start screaming, because it was probably just that I was so afraid I didn’t breathe and screaming would force me to take in a large breath. So, I started to yell. Suddenly, I felt jerked upward and a huge orange canopy opened above me. She handed me two handles and allowed me to steer us in big circles, where the parachute was lower than us. That was also scary. We landed softly and then I realized I was alive. I’d made it through. Though it was not perfectly pleasant every moment, I had made the right choice and had learned a lot about myself in the process. If I hadn’t taken action and froze at the top all the good things, the fun, the excitement, the story would be lost to me. My friend and I are already planning our next skydiving adventure.
Each of us are going to go through scary things in this life. We all experience fear. Fear protects and warns us, but when we allow it to control our actions, we loose all power. Every time we do something in spite of fear, we, as Eleanor observed, are able to withstand more and become stronger. I am thankful for the scary things that have happened to me and the moments that I face fears because I know when the next thing comes along it will be that much easier to be courageous.
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